you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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