he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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