Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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