I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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