That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
