Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
