I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
