i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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