Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
