I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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