at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
