I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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