I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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