the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you had me at cake vodka
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
