i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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