she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Pants are for mortals
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
