i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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