Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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