I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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