pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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