Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
