So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
