what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
