I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
