Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
