Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
