I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
