Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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