Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
