my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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