The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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