I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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