after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
