I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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