So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
