Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
