Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
