I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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