Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
