bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
