it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize