How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
