I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
