a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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