i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize