The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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