I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
