I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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