her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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