So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
FUCK WHALES
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize