He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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