The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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