if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is it penis luge time yet?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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