I accidentally had phone sex last night
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
