Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
