Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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