So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
