im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
