hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
